He Cheated and Then Cried About It and Then Cheated Some More
Asking The Question: Why Do Some of The Guys You Revere As Awesome Actually Turn Out to Be Shmucks?
He Cheated and Then Cried About It and Then Cheated Some More
Asking The Question: Why do some of the guys you revere as awesome actually turn out to be shmucks?
By Michael J. Herman
You know those guys who have it all together and seem like they’re the greatest guys in the world?
Guys who seem like they know how to do what you want to do and have no flaws, so you follow their lead to get what they have, too?
Guys made of Teflon and have armor like warriors.
When I was a young grad student, I made a fast friend named Dan. Dan was magnetic, charismatic, and confident. Dan was the kind of guy that you couldn’t help love being around. Dan had a great sense of humor, he was sharp and funny, and he was in great shape. In fact, he had won three consecutive statewide bodybuilding contests the previous several years.
Dan and I got along great! We had a lot in common.
I met Dan in September at his second job. We went bar hopping, clubbing, and skirt-chasing several times a week for months. Many months and too many clubs.
So many times in fact, it exceeds my ability to remember how many. Many times I was with Dan when Dan would meet a young, nubile, eager coed on the dance floor, at the bar, at the store, or somewhere else and charm her into his bed… most often, the very same night.
I dare to say Dan and Dan’s brother Matt, and Dan’s pal Johnny were my heroes. It was like watching Richard Gere in American Gigolo and John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever in action. They proved the fantasy was real. The women were so many that when I did ask how his dates went Dan could hardly distinguish one from another.
They were great times whenever we hung out. He was the kind of friend you could rely on when your car broke down or you’d had too much to drink. We were close friends, and the kind of friends that knew each other very well. He was invited for dinner with my family many times, and my dad even offered him a consulting position in his company.
At Dan’s company’s Christmas party, while schmoozing by the fireplace in his boss’s living room, I noticed a ring on his left hand. I pointed and asked, “What’s that?”
To wit Dan replied, “It’s my wedding ring.”
“Why are you wearing that” I naïvely asked?
“Because I’m married.”
I clearly remember laughing.
“You’re what?!”
It was at this point when Dan shushed me and gave me a look I had never seen before. It was the look of someone getting away with something in front of the wrong people and lassoing me into the scam. Suddenly Dan had a fatal flaw and lived in a world that didn’t work. My idol had fallen.
This was the first time I had encountered a Cheater. I had heard about philandering, but I had never seen it in real life. My father inculcated in me from an early age to love your wife with fidelity and be faithful in all relationships. That included friends.
At this point I have to insert that Dan and I had traveled, and done business together as well. This came as a total shock.
I would later that week learn that Dan had been living in Los Angeles for a year and had been saving money to bring his wife and small son from the Midwest.
“Hey, it’s none of my business what Dan does on his own time with his family” I justified to myself. “I don’t even know his wife’s name.”
As the months went by Dan, Matt, Johnny and I continued our bachelor lifestyles. The women were lined up and scratched off like pins in a bowling tournament.
Many times I would visit Dan’s apartment and Dan would be on the phone with his wife sobbing like a five-year-old child wanting his “blankie.”
“I miss you so much! I’m so miserable! I’m so lonely without you! I miss holding you, kissing you, and loving you! I miss my son! I miss seeing you guys and having you with me!”
I heard these codependent pleas for stability so many times that the mere mentions of his life with his family confused me to no end.
“Great news” announced Dan! “My wife won a trip for 2 to New York City with round-trip airfare and hotel for three nights! I haven’t seen her in almost 18 months. I’m so excited!” And I could tell he was. After all this was the woman of his dreams, and the mother of his child.
They were family.
They had history.
They had secrets.
Then after almost an entire year of close, intimate, male bonding friendship the boom fell.
It was a Saturday night and Dan and Johnny were to pick me up with my pal Carmine at 7:30 for dinner and then off to the disco.
They never showed up.
No big deal really. Carmine and I caught a movie instead.
3 AM.
I groggily dragged myself to answer a knock at the door.
“Mike” bounded Dan, “Can I use one of your bedrooms? I have this hot chick and I need a place for about an hour so. You know?” Followed by the signature Dan squint and twinkle in his eye.
I was aghast!
I was shocked!
I was confused.
Hadn’t I just one night before this sat at the end of Dan’s bed as he wailed in sorrow and joy to hold his wife again in just a few days? Didn’t he just confess his undying love and fidelity to the bosom that awaited him in less than 48 hours?
Wasn’t this the guy who had told me one week ago that he was giving up whoring and philandering? What happened to the brand-new start?
But while I felt it wasn’t my place to judge, it also wasn’t my place to facilitate. We are talking about the 1980s, when sexual conquests were more casual, and anonymity was still possible.
“No” I said. “My house is not a brothel. Where have you been since the disco closed at 1:30 AM? And what happened to you guys tonight? You totally blew us off!”
“Mike” begged Dan, “Johnny would let me do this. Be a pal.”
“I am your pal, Dan. Aren’t you seeing your wife in New York in two days from now?”
“Your wife” exclaimed in echoes at my doorstep and down the block, as well! “I thought you said you were single?”
“Mike, come on Mike. Don’t do this to me.”
“Sorry Dan, the inn is closed. We reopen at 9 AM.”
Dan stormed off with a huff and a puff dragging the scantily clad trollop like a rag doll.
When Monday came, Dan ignored my calls. Despite efforts to wish him a good trip and clear up the awkwardness, Dan severed ties. I was hurt. After all, was this skirt he’d known for only the evening and likely would never see again more important than our friendship?
Here was a great guy who had it all. Good looks a good job, friends, and a loving family, and yet… it still wasn’t enough. I thought he had it all and he felt he still needed more.
What happened to Bros Before Hos? What happened to the Guy Code of Semper Fi?
Dan didn’t speak to me for about 10 years when we bumped into each other and agreed to grab lunch.
It was nice to reconnect. Memories were shared and feelings of being young and unstoppable began to bubble. I created fantasies of reestablishing our friendship and resuming fun times. In retrospect, I think I just missed being 22 and invincible.
“Are you behaving yourself” I asked?
“I’m a man, Mike” said Dan.
“What’s that mean?” I naively asked, honestly seeking clarification.
“It means I’m a man. And a man does what a man does.”
In other words, a man does what he has to do to get what he wants with no regard for how it effects anyone else.
I sat across from this otherwise successful looking person and instantly realized after more than a decade the shenanigans continued and probably still persist. It gave me a sick, sour and bitter taste in my mouth. My stomach churned in knots. My disgust grew, and I realized what I revered decades before was nothing but a shallow and thinly veiled facade.
I was not judging but instead feeling sorry for his wife who had continued to stay with him and raise his son while he carried on with meaningless conquests to satisfy some immature need to be free.
As I said, I was not judging, but rather distinguishing and identifying exactly what I did not ever want in a relationship. Since my times with Dan, I have met men, mostly executives and sales professionals on airplanes, at hotels, and at conferences who play the double life and think they’re getting away with something. I look at them and wonder how many Dans are there and what’s the longterm payoff?
Turned out we had less in common than I thought.
Michael J. Herman is the author of 14 books and the author of the forthcoming Side Hustle with Muscle: Stop Putting Your Talents to The Side and Start Your Small Business. Connect with Michael at LinkedIn.com/MichaelJHerman